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Disclaimer: My intent is pure (don't add any nouns after the word) only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional comedy, and is subject to my Terms of Use.

Two Polacks, Hank and Stan were mowing their lawn.

Stan yelled over to Hank, "Ha ha Hank I saw you making love to your wife last night you left the curtains open!"

Hank yelled back at Stan, "The jokes on you Stan, I wasn't home last night." 

A midget is sitting at a bar when a big guy walks in smacks him on the shoulder and knocks him to the floor. The midget gets up with tears in his eyes and says, "why did you hit me?

The big guy says," That was a karate chop from Korea."

The next day the midget is sitting at the bar again the big guy walks in smacks the midget on the other shoulder and knocks him to the floor. The midget gets up and says again, "what did you hit me for?" The big guy says that was a Judo chop from Vietnam"

The next day the big guy walks in the bar and doesn't see the Midget he sits down and tells the bartender to give him a beer. The bartender turns to get a beer and here's a loud whack he turns around and the big guy is lying passed out on the floor his head is bleeding and the midget is standing there smiling. The midget says to the bartender,  "Tell that guy when he wakes up that was crowbar from Home Depot." 

It's how you ask . . .

Mike Ross is lying in bed in a hospital wearing an oxygen mask tightly over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse soon appears and gives him a partial sponge bath."Nurse," mumbles Mike from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Mr Ross. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."Mike struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that Mike might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises Mike's gown, moves his manhood to one side, looks very closely at his testicles and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Mr Ross, "they look fine."

Mike looks at her for a few seconds, then slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says, very distinctly, "Thank you very much nurse. That was wonderful. You have very soft and silky hands. But now listen very, very carefully to what I'm saying: Are - my - test - results - back?"

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside.

She began to massage him.

She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!"

Here is a football play joke.

Shotgun formation 31 dive double barrel shotgun on 3.

Break.

Sam Connors went to see his doctor about having a vasectomy.

His Doctor said, " That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yes," Sam replied, "They're in favor of it, 14 to 3."

A man has a construction job, it is bone crushing dirty, sweaty hard work.

8 hours 9 hours 10 hours a day maybe 6 days a week maybe 5.

When he gets home he takes a shower to wash off the dirt.

He is now thinking about what he has to do tomorrow to keep his job, and all

the other problems that he has to solve like keeping the car running and how to save some money.

There is a lot to think about and he might be tired.

But he is not done yet, his girl friend says "you don't even know me".

Soon he will hear this timeless phrase.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

"I would fix it, if I could".

Now it is time for the man to fix it.

He can take all the time he needs. 

Forever.

I changed my mind after recovering from the food poisoning.

Women like the fool for love doll door mat.

Pick up one for Christmas.

lol