A single middle-aged man goes to Hong Kong for vacation. While he is there he has relations with a woman of the evening. Two weeks after coming home he noticed his dick has turned black. He goes to the doctor and the doctor examines him and asks.  have you been in Hong Kong lately? He answered yes.  the doctor then asked were you with anybody? He answers yes. The doctor tells him I'm sorry to tell you this but you have what they are calling Hong Kong Dong.  the only known cure is amputation. He pleads with the doctor and says there must be something else.  the doctor apologizes again and says there is no known cure amputation is the only way.  again he pleads and the doctor tells him. Perhaps if you go back to Hong Kong and see their doctors the disease originated  there they may have something. So he goes back to Hong Kong and makes an appointment with the doctor.  the doctor examines him and tell him yes you have Hong Kong Dong. The man tells the Hong Kong doctor the American doctors have said the only cure is amputation. The Hong Kong doctor laughs and says, American doctors all they want to do is operate make money make money operate, you no worry in 2 or 3 weeks it'll fall off all by itself.

Attorney:  Are you sexually active?

Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: Now doctor, before you performed the autopsy did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: So, is it possible that the patient was alive at the time?

Doctor No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure when you did not check first?

Doctor: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.

Attorney: I see.  But is it possible that the patient was alive, nevertheless?

Doctor:  Well, I suppose it's possible he could have still been practicing law.

BDBF LMAO! 🤣

Teaching budgeting...

https://youtube.com/shorts/yivvcVBNndA?feature=share

Dude is right.  Beer good.

3 blondes walk into a building.  You'd think one would have seen it.

GROAN

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

@RnD...LMAO! 🤣

Wife: Babe if I died would you re-marry?

Husband: Well yes, I think I would.

Wife: If you remarried would you live in our house?

Husband: Yes, this is a great house for our children.

Wife: But would you even let her sleep in our bed?

Husband: She couldn't sleep in the children's bed.

Wife: Since you are going to share so much of ours with her, would you even give her my golf clubs?

Husband: No that I wouldn't do, she is left-handed.

Little boy says to a little girl! I have got something that you have not.
She asks what it is so he drops his pants and shows her.
She walks away crying.

Next day they meet again and she is all smiles and laughing.
He asks her why she is so happy.
She says she talked to her mother and she said that with what I have got I can have as many of them as I want.

Today has not been a good day for poor Tom.

After breakfast, he thought he'd do something different so he decided to go horseback riding with some friends. He knew he'd have trouble getting on. It turned out to be a big mistake.

Tom got on the horse and it started out fine, but then it went a little faster; before he knew it, they were going as fast as the horse could go.

He couldn't handle the pace and eventually, he fell off. His foot got caught in the stirrup and the horse dragged him. It wouldn't stop. He was scared out of his wits. He slammed his head, banged his elbow and tore his shoulder.

Thank goodness the kind manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine!

Murray goes to his Rabbi and says I think my wife is trying to poison me.
"That's ridiculous," the Rabbi says, "let me talk to her."
The Rabbi meets with Murray's wife for three hours.
"Murray, I just spent three hours with your wife."
"What should I do?" Murray asks.
The Rabbi says, "take the poison."

I was asked to name two things that hold water.

"Well dam" I said.

What is the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

Tell her the sex is boring and you want her to bring a friend.  One of two things will happen. 

A] She'll get mad at you and break up with you.

Or

B] She'll bring a friend in that case she's worth going out with a little while longer. 😉

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse Myra, was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, Murray finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining but eventually Murray rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?", asked the doctor.

Angrily, Murray answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Not with a daffodil."

What kind of chips and cheese aren't yours?

............

NAH-CHOS!

Difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

Prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!!

“Hi Max. This is Jim, your next door neighbor.
I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great.
I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me, Jim"

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Jim dead.
He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Jim.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE :
"Hi, Max. Jim here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.”