Note to self: You don't like french-bread pizza

I did it again.

I bought the french-bread Healthy Choice pizza. I really don't like that pizza, yet I keep forgetting. How does that happen? How can you forget how much you dislike something?

Oh yeah, the same way you re-fall for old boyfriends, forgetting their horrible habits and the nasty ways they treated you. The same way you forget how horrible they made you feel and how worthless. The same way you go back out with them because you forgot how bad your last experience was.

No, I'm not talking about the guy I'm seeing right now. I love him and no one has ever made me feel this good about myself. I'm talking about another ex-boyfriend that I hope I will never see or speak to again.

His name was Jon. He was a complete and total ass. He thought better of himself than anyone else, honestly believed his birth was a gift from God to the earth and I'm fairly sure he enjoyed the smell of his own poo. (After all, doesn't everyone love roses?) He treated me like I was worthless, and that I should be grateful that he would condescend to date me. And somehow, I thought it was love. All three times.

Why would I do that to myself? Why would I forget the pain, the nights spent worrying about losing him, the many times I cried myself to sleep? How could I ignore the shame I felt every time he kissed me knowing he would always want more... more than I was ready to give? Why did I choose to forget the embarrasment he caused me or the pain I felt at each reprimand?

Because I was under the sick impression that I was in love. Just because I couldn't stop thinking about him, I thought he was "the one". My current boyfriend can't understand how I thought it was love, since I have seen real love in the relationship my parents have. I thought I deserved what I got because he was the one I loved and if he was angry, then it was my fault.

I still have some of these hang-ups. If Grant gets aggravated at me, I cower. Or, I push harder trying to prove to myself that his anger doesn't control me. Fortunately, he is a very wonderful man who realizes what I'm doing more often than I do. He understands, even if I do push his buttons.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of women, men too, who feel they deserve what they get. They think they are in love, and that their partners love them so everything will be ok. But it won't.

I follow Samantha's rule (sex & the city) Relationships should not be

They should be

If it's always

then GET OUT!

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