Feb. 3, 2005
8:50 pm
My life in progress…
Family and friends have said I am putting myself under a tremendous amount of stress. Actually, so much that the veins in both of my eyes have burst now.
I can feel myself getting progressively weaker by the day. I cannot eat, or even force myself to eat… so most days I go without any food except a little something at home so my mom doesn’t get suspicious.
My vitamins and medication say they require food with ingesting, but I have disregarded that fact and take them on an empty stomach still…. I don’t even care anymore.
I have found myself getting severe migraines and randomly crying periodically throughout the day. I will start to cry for no reason, but bounce back 5 minutes later. It might be the medication, but you can never be sure.
Despite my depressing preceding paragraphs, I have learned a new instrument. I can now play a trumpet. The story starts like this:
Up in the band room, there is this girl who is always in the piano room practicing a trumpet. Today, since I was very bored… I paid a little visit and introduced myself. She played through some chorals for me fairly well, considering she first picked up a trumpet a week ago. When her valve stuck, she asked me what to do so I showed her the ropes. Well, we screwed it back in… and the first breath of air she blew in, one of the slides flew across the room. Scary to say the least. So, she went to Ms. Blakemore (never a good idea) and she couldn’t fix it, but she told her she had to go to the office for something… she left her trumpet sitting on the chair and I couldn’t help but try to fix it. I succeeded (With my mellophone mouthpiece) and then started to play the choral. I figured out she wrote in some wrong fingerings when I was playing some scales so I corrected them…. And she came back. She hit an high E with ease after I gave her a few embouchure tips that I knew for horn. She was really appreciative of my help and I will probably find a trumpet tomorrow and play along with her.
During lunch, Sarah let me borrow her trumpet (again, I used my mouthpiece). I started rummaging through the cabinets finding trumpet music. I started playing and playing… it was very interesting to say the least. I went back to lunch for the last five minutes… but I still wish I would have stayed up there. More than likely I will be up there tomorrow… because I just don’t care anymore.
Anyways, talking about music makes me so happy… always lifts the spirit. On average, I practice 30 minutes to 1 ½ hours as soon as I get home from school. Music HAS to be my biggest stress reliever. I swear… I just can’t take it anymore.
I hate guys… just today a very dignified, and respectable guy-friend walked up and slapped my butt today (I shall not mention names because it is too painful to speak). I hate this… and then, there is this new guy in my health class writes me a love song and wants me to write him back. I don’t even know what to say to him. He is a sweet guy… but I know where my heart is. And sadly, it is not with him.
Everything is a blur…. There are a few people I can rely on for sure like Shaun, Jordan and Patrick. I mean, guys (most) know exactly what they think and won’t back down from their position (Do you know what I’m saying?)… and won’t do anything to hurt a friend of theirs that is a girl. I feel confident in those three… and there are many other people I trust, girls and guys, but I don’t even know who’s my friend anymore. I don’t even care. I have the people that are dearest to me and that is all I care about…. Because I know they will never turn their back on me.
After writing this, my life is still a blur… from the tears that I cry.
Sam
