Words to Live By

from JoeUser Forums

 

One of my favorite kinds of humor is an adage that starts off sounding familiar but then takes a left turn and leaves you with a giggle...or a gasp.  I will show you a couple of examples that are among my favorites:

 

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a meal;  teach him to fish and you'll never see him in church on Sunday again.

 

Light a man's fire and you will warm him through the night;  set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

 

If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs...you obviously don't have a grasp on the situation.

 

Honesty is the best policy,  but insanity makes a better defense.

 

You can get more with kind words and a gun than you can with just kind words.

 

There are few problems in life that cannot be alleviated by the judicious application of the Eight Steady Hold Factors.

 

Stress is the confusion that arises when the brain overrides the body's urge to choke the living crap out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.

 

These are just a few of my favorites...so how about it?  What can you add to the mix?  Have fun.

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5,125 views 4 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling."

"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."

"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep."

"I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge."

All by Jack Handey

Reply #2 from Stardock Forums Top

Thanks for the contribution...I think...

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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

:)

C'mon - at least a few are worth a chuckle.  :O

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

Quoting pacov, reply 1
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

That one got a good laugh!