Excuse the long delay, it's take me a while to adjust to my new job. But the wait is over, if you were waiting for it. here it is:
Act III: Over The Henge and Not Very Far Away
Narrator: And so, after many weeks of travel, more than it should have actually taken them, probably because they got lost along the way again, our heroes were at last before The Henge, the only stretch of land connecting The Kingdom of Men and The Empire of the Fallen.
Frick: I thought it would be wider.
Exigall: Well, it's wide enough for us to get trough in single file. The horses will have to stay behind.
Percy: Are you certain this bridge shall hold us? It may be safe for the likes of you, but a great warrior such as myself it feels unsafe.
Arcanus: Bah, if you knew anything you'd remember that this very bridge was used by our Sovereign and his army when he set to out to rescue one of his daughters whom he believed was kidnapped by The Blood Traitors. It's perfectly safe.
Axelroth: Wasn't she the one who moved to the other castle at New Pariden and didn't tell him about it.
Arcanus: Yes, and for that he tried to marry her to a dragon just so he could be rid of her.
Frick: How did that one end again?
Arcanus: She was rescued from the dragon's lair by some strange madman obsessed with fungus and stars. And then the dragon kidnapped her, and he saved her again, and so on, and so on.
Frick: Exigall, do you think the Sovereign hates us more than he does his own daughter ?
Exigall: Well now I wouldn't put it like that...
Axelroth: Let me answer this. If anyone on the other side of the Henge find us, there's a good chance we'll be dead by lunch time. They'll probably save you for dessert.
Exigall: Enough chit chat, watch your step, the fog is so thick I could cut it with a knife.
The Voice: The fog wouldn't like that.
Frick: Who said that?
Exigall: Show yourself!
Narrator: Just then, out of the mist before them, a shape of a man in a cloak appeared.
The Voice: Who dares pass trough the Henge without the permission of it's guardian?
Exigall: Arcanus, you didn't say anything about any guardian. Who is he, can we take him on?
Arcanus: Ah, yes, the, urm... Excuse me sir, you there in the mist, who are you?
The Voice: I am he who guards the passage between men and fallen, between light and darkness, between sun and star, between...
Axelroth: Alright, we get it. What do you want?
The Voice: In order to pass, you must answer three questions. And you mustn't fail at more than one.
Exigall: Alright, fire away.
The Voice: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I?
Frick: Arcanus, you're supposed to be the smart one, answer the man.
Arcanus: Ah, well, yes. Let me think for a second.
Narrator: 5 minutes later.
Arcanus: Would it be possible to give us a small hint?
The Voice: Very well, since this is your first time here, I shall grant you this.
Narrator: From under his long sleeves he pulls out a parchment, he unrolls it, and displays it for our heroes
The Voice: Gaze upon this and find your answer
Arcanus: Oh my stars, it was that simple. I never would have guessed it.
The Voice: Then give the answer.
Arcanus: It's "Color".
Narrator: It was at that time that Exigall turned around and slapped Axelroth, he in turn turned around and slapped Frick, who turned around and slapped Arcanus, who then turned around and was savagely slapped by Percy.
The Voice: Is that your final answer?
Exigall: No, the final answer is the letter E.
The Voice: Very good, you have passed the first challenge. Two more lie ahead, and you mustn't fail more than one.
Exigall: Very well, fire away.
The Voice: Then answer this.How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Narrator: Silence fell upon our heroes. Not a sound could be heard, save for the song of crickets.
Axelroth: Frick, why are you making cricket sounds?
Frick: What? I was hungry and they were tasty.
Exigall: Forget that. Does anyone know what a woodchuck is?
Frick: I've never heard of such a thing.
Percy: Maybe it's an animal, like a small prairie rodent.
Arcanus: Don't be stupid. It's obviously some arboreal dwelling creature, or maybe one of those vines that grows on trees.
Exigall: So if one of those would be a woodchuck, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Arcanus: I don't know how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood since since I don't know what a woodchuck is or how a woodchuck would chuck would if it could chuck wood.
Axelroth: Can we get another hint?
The Voice: No, only one hint is ever given.
Exigall: Then we give up, we don't know the answer.
The Voice: Very well. You have failed this challenge, one more lies ahead that you must pass in order to journey onwards. If not, doom be upon you.
Frick: Before that, what was the answer to the question?
The Voice: Using the formula: (W + I) * C where W = the constant of wood, which is well known to be 61, as agreed by many sages. I = the variable in this equation, and stands for the word "if" from the original problem. As there are three circumstances, with 0 equaling the chance that the woodchuck cannot chuck wood, 1 being the theory that the woodchuck can chuck wood but chooses not to, and 2 standing for the probability that the woodchuck can and will chuck wood, we clearly must choose 2 for use in this equation. C = the constant of Chuck Norris, whose presence in any problem involving the word chuck must there be, is well known to equal 1.1 of any known being, therefore the final part of this calculation is 1.1. As is clear, this appears to give the answer of (61 + 2) * 1.1 = (63) * 1.1 = 69.3 units of wood.
Percy: Incredible. Arcanus, compared to him, you're no smarter than me.
Narrator: Arcanus turned with the intention of slapping Percy, but was again savagely slapped by him.
Exigall: Ask your final question.
The Voice: Very well. This will be your final challenge, answer truthfully. What is your name?
Axelroth: Well that's an easy one. We are the Champions of Righteousnesse
Percy: ...ness.
The Voice: What is your quest?
Exigall: To find the Fabled Halebard of Ishcabibble.
The Voice: How many gildars does a market produce?
Exigall: That depends, what town are you talking about?
The Voice: Pardon? Answer, how many gildars does a market produce?
Axelroth: By itself, or in a specific town?
The Voice: How many gildars does a market produce?
Exigall: Well, none. A market doesn't produce gildars.
The Voice: Wrong, doom is upon you now and you shall never...
Axelroth: Wait, we're not wrong. Markets don't produce gildars by themselves anymore. They provide bonus to the gildar production of a town.
The Voice: Lies, doom is up....
Exigall: How long have you been here?
The Voice: Countless years, what difference does that make.
Exigall: Then you should read this.
The Voice: A notice bearing the seal of The Frogged One.
Narrator: The guardian of the bridge read carefully trough the scroll and mumbled to himself.
The Voice: "So a market doesn't produce gildars anymore. It provides a bonus % to the existing production of any resources associated with that settlement." No, this can not be. Curseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!
----insert sound effect here----
Axeroth: Did he just explode?
Arcanus: Yes, yes he did.
Frick: Did he drop anything.
Exigall: Nope.
Percy: Waste of time, let's move on.
Narrator: And so our heroes went on, and three minutes later, they were on the opposite end of The Henge. They thought it would be longer than that.
Axelroth: I thought it would be longer than that.
The Lords of Darkness: So, Champions of Righteousnesses...
Percy: ...ness.
The Lords of Darkness: So you've decided to show your faces here again. Well, before you go on, you'll have get past us, the The Lords of Darkneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess (like Ozzy would say it)
Exigall: We meet our old nemesis once more. So be it. Let us fight and prove once and for all who is the greatest.
Narrator: Our heroes and their mortal enemies drew their weapons, readied spells, prepared attacks and charged at each other shouting like devils, and just as they were about to clash steel on steel, when the their fate was about to be decided, when balance between good and evil was about to be tested, this showed up:
To be continued in Chapter IV: The most awesome fight ever.
Elemental Forums
, and several episodes may get a higher score than one single story.