Granted, but because the human psyche is so apathic against change, you go mad in a week.

I wish I had my new hardware delivered today.

granted. you get a brand new certified pre owned set of wrenches from 1942.

Now that doesn't make sense

I wish I went to bed earlier (going now!)

Granted. and because you went to bed earlier a fine sexy lady who stayed up waiting for some sexy time dumps you.

i wish i had something to reduce my boredom.

Granted, you are never bored, and can never sleep so you die. I wish for a DSi

granted: now nothing is predictable and everything that happens is completely random

i wish i knew how to mod sins of solar empire textures

granted. and because you know how to mod sins textures you become completely overzealous and destroy your computer.

i wish...no one could corrupt my wishes.

They cant anymore but instead they can now corrupt your mind.      

I wish they came out with more way awsome movies, instead of the same old same old ones!

Sybertronic.  

Granted, now the movies are so amazing, they cost hundreds of dollars to go see. I wish people wpuld go to my forum game( Why Me)

granted: now all they do is bash the game and say how horrible it is

i wish i had a time machine

You have a time mechine. A non-working time machine, but still a time machine.

I wish my mother would stop trying to make me eat health foods.

Granted.  Your mother instantly dies, and is no longer alive to remind you to eat healty foods.  In tribute to your maw-maw, you eat more healthy.  But now you'll simply stay alive longer, living in misery from a life without mommy.

I wish my wish would turn out exactly as I intend.

It does. But since3 you wished for nothing, you get exactly that.

I wish my old PS2 was in sellable condition.

Your PS2 is in sellable condition, but as you go to sell it to someone, they pull out a gun and steal your wallet.

And your PS2.

I wish that my girlfriend lived closer to me.

Granted, but now that the two of you live in a rough neighborhood, she breaks up with you to live in the suburbs.

I wish that i had not gotten arrested

Granted, and because you weren't arrested, you were home when your town got nuked by russians. i wish for a gaming laptop

granted, but you still suck at those games.

I wish that my stove still worked

Your stove works. But you are in jail, and can't cook anything.

I wish both sudes of the healthcare fiasco would JUST SHUT UP.

they do. Now they argue in sign language

i wish for something Epic.

Epic Fail!

I wish for the majority of Americans would stop repeatedly saying "uh", "like", and "and" when it is not necessary.

You want us to stop saying those words, eh? There's no way to change your mind, eh? But, I guess that is your wish, eh? So be it. Eh?

I wish I could watch blizzcon.

"Eh" is more of a dialect thing, so I am willing to tolerated it. Okay, you can watch blizzcon. . . When you move out of you mother's house and pay taxes.

I wish my grand return was announced in a positive way

it is, in a positeviley horrendus way. now no one really cares about your return.

i wish that I became a space pirate.

Unfortunately your first fight into space at age 21 is grounded due to a mechanical malfunction that leaves you paralyzed and mute.  You live to be 98 but never leave earths orbit.

I wish to make the national team for water polo.