I, Dumbass

from JoeUser Forums
For those few (and I mean VERY few) of you that actually know me, and are unaware of this fact, and for those of you who only know me through this blog, and have yet to figure this fact out: I am a dumbass.

Yes, yes. I know that to a great many of you, this may a statement of the obvious, but I feel that I may have transended normal dumbass status to a new level of dumbassedness.

Let me regail you with a tale rich in dumbassedness.

My wife's birthday was August 17th. Now this was going to be her 30th birthday (the old fart), so I decided to surprise her. I didn't mention anything to her, but secretly I set my plans into motion. At the time I was working from noon until 6:30 in the evening. I took the day off of work to prepare my plans. This is what I had in mind. A darkened house. Candles all over. I would cook dinner and have it ready for her when she got home. I would bake her a cake. I would have a hot bubble bath ready for her so she could take a soak before dinner and cake. All of this I had planned for her, but did not mention it to her, because I wanted to surprise her. I wanted to take her out someplace special to eat (because my cooking sorta sucks), but that night we had to go to a home owners association meeting because our neighbors are jackasses. So what i did was make reservations to go to this great Italian place the day after her birthday. Two surprises in one right after the other. I'm brillian!

So the sunday before her birthday we were at HEB (a grocery store for those of you that have never heard of it) and as were walking up and down the isles, she says to me, "you know its my birthday on tuesday. You'd better have something special planned. You better have dinner waiting for me when I get home. You better bake me a cake as well! You should have all the lights out and only have candles lighting the entire house. A bubble bath would be a good idea too!" In the span of 35 seconds she had suggested everything I had planned to do.

Now I know that some of you are thinking, "so what?" The problem is this. If i go through with all my plans, it will look like I only did them because she said so, and it would look like i didnt have a plan to begin with. So I came up with another plan, I would shift everything to wednesday night. That'll catch her off guard! Candles, bath, cake will all be moved one night over and then we'll go out to dinner afterwords! It's brilliant! When she gets home, and she looks all upset because she thinks, I've forgotten, I'll spring my surprise on her and she'll be overjoyed! we'll go to the home owner's assosiation meeting and all will be right in the world!

So tuesday comes around. She comes home from work and guess what? SHE IS PISSED! She doesn't want to listen to my plan. She was ready to blow off the home owners assosiation meeting so we could spend time together and celebrate her birthday. Shes so pissed that when I tell her about the reservations she says she doesnt want to go out on wednesday, thats not her birthday. She doesnt want any of it on wednesday.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. What a dumbass. Just wait, it gets better.

Well she said she didn't want anything on wednesday, so I cancled the reservation. I didnt bake the cake, I didnt set out the candles, and I didnt run a hot bath. She comes home from work and guess what? SHE IS PISSED!

"I can't believe you did it again! Where are the candles? Where is the cake? What do you mean I said I didn't want them?! You didn't do it?! You gave me NOTHING again?!"

And thus ends another story of Random Acts of Senseless Fuckery. Lesson learned. Never try to surprise you spouse.
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10,232 views 16 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
wow....you're a dumbass....

My b-day's coming up. It's the big 3-0 for me as well. I'm just gunna keep my mouth shut and see if my husband remembers. That way, if he does, Good for Him! If he doesn't, there's a decade worth of guilt right there.

So....how did you make it up to her?
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

I don't know you very well, but from reading this....I can confirm that what you did was the height of dumb-assery.

I'd have reacted the exact same way had my husband done that to me.

Galactic Civilizations III
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
HOLY CRAP! How long have you been married? I learned this lesson very early.

If she tells you what she wants, give it to her. She's making it easy on you because she knows you're a dumbass. If you want to add extras, good for you. It'll score you points.

If she tells you that she doesn't want anything special, you better rack your brain and come up with a great plan, quick! That means she knows you're a dumbass, but expects you to overcome it.

I made the mistake of believing my wife when she told me that she didn't want anything for her birthday. That we were low on money, so not to spend anything on her (I told her this for my birthday and she went along with it earlier the same month!). So, her birthday rolls around and boom, I was in a world of hurt.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Blue on white? It's unreadable to me. Sorry, but some color combinions gives me a instant headache.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
LMAO!
Yes this was an act of Dumbassery in the extreme.
Never believe a spouse who says they don't want anything for their birthday.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah, you may be a dumbass, but I'm giving you major points for your title (I,Dumbass) and for your "Random Acts of Senseless Fuckery" line. Very clever.

Um, and buy your wife something pretty.

-A.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

Never believe a spouse who says they don't want anything for their birthday.


i believe the word 'spouse' should be replaced with the word "wife"... if a man tells you not to get him anything for his birthday, you can just buy him a 12 pack of beer, and show up naked. 


help him drink the beer and maybe perform a random act of felatio, and he'll swear to his friends that it was the best birthday he ever had.


 

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
It could be worse, you could deliberately be a dumbass. There are some men, who will remain unnamed, who believe that celebrating anything on the date it should be celebrated is to predictable. So, their wife will get flowers, cards, candlelight, music, gifts, at very random times. But never on her birthday, your anniversary, etc. BAD MOVE!!!! The random romantacism is very sweet, but when you don't do something on a birthday or anniversary, she will never forget.

So, at least you didn't do that. Now go light some candles, run the bubble bath, and bake her a cake, for God's sake!
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top

help him drink the beer and maybe perform a random act of felatio, and he'll swear to his friends that it was the best birthday he ever had.

Best. Idea. Ever.

 

Pidge = Tard.

Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
help him drink the beer and maybe perform a random act of felatio, and he'll swear to his friends that it was the best birthday he ever had


There was a radio station in Cleveland, OH that tried to start a new holiday about two years ago. May have been part of something larger or something that started elsewhere that they picked up on. It was to be called "Steak and a BJ Day". It would be held every year on 14 March (IIRC) and would be the guys version of Valentines Day.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
they still have Steak and a BJ Day here in Austin, one of the local radio stations must have stole it from Cleveland.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
he he he . . . It's going to be October 4th here in Hawaii . . .
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
they still have Steak and a BJ Day here in Austin, one of the local radio stations must have stole it from Cleveland.


I'll have to keep my ear out next spring and see if it spreads to Monterey...

he he he . . . It's going to be October 4th here in Hawaii . . .


Better late than never...
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
So, a quick bit of googling and voila!

The official Steak and a BJ Day webpage - Link.

They have a history of the day, links to recipes for steaks, instructional links, and merchandise.




Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
you know its my birthday on tuesday. You'd better have something special planned. You better have dinner waiting for me when I get home. You better bake me a cake as well! You should have all the lights out and only have candles lighting the entire house. A bubble bath would be a good idea too!" In the span of 35 seconds she had suggested everything I had planned to do.

I totally understand what your saying there...now she'd think you only did it because she told you to...I've come across the same thing with my other half and I have to come up with something different otherwise he'd think I couldn't use my own brain.
But...to not do anything when she told you to while she was 'pissed' was bad judgement on your part. Better luck next time!!
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
you know its my birthday on tuesday. You'd better have something special planned. You better have dinner waiting for me when I get home. You better bake me a cake as well! You should have all the lights out and only have candles lighting the entire house. A bubble bath would be a good idea too!" In the span of 35 seconds she had suggested everything I had planned to do.


Maybe I will be stoned by the females out there, but DAMN she screwed you over. i completely understand how you felt.....I try not to take away my husband's ideas, cause he might do the same thing you did....

That being said, you were an idiot! You should have done something. he he he