It's a funny kind of limbo us military spouses are thrown into when our husbands are away on deployment.

We're alone.  We are, for all intents and purposes, single parents, single people.  We're colloquially known as 'widows'. 

But we're not widowed.  Our husbands are still alive.  We're not divorced, we still wear our wedding bands and sleep in the marital bed.  We're separated, but not legally.

We're supposed to keep ourselves to ourselves.  We're supposed to ignore our human nature, ignore our psyche's cries for human contact and touch.  We're not supposed to want male company or attention.  If we heed our needs and seek out male company (not matter how innocent our intentions), we are looked down upon by society in general.  We are labeled as sluts, as women who don't care that their husband's are off fighting a war.  The community gives us a big scarlet letter and expects us to wear it...we are expected to be ashamed of ourselves and if we're not, society does the shaming for us.

Nobody seems to want to understand that our husband's have been gone for months, sometimes years at a time.  No one seems to mind when our husband's listen to their needs and mingle with females - because they are fighting a war, after all, and that's a stressful thing to do.  We shouldn't begrudge them a conversation or two with another woman.  They're human, it's normal for men to want the company of the opposite sex from time to time.  It's understandable for our men....but not for us.

If we DO take action to satisfy our needs, we are automatically betraying our husband's trust.  Us 'widows' can't have an innocent conversation with a man who is not our husband, oh no.  We're all sex-starved sluts who drop our pants and spread our legs for any Tom, Dick and Harry (pun intended) who comes along.  If we have a man come over to mow the lawn or clean the gutters and we invite him in for coffee or a soda when he is done, we are obviously having sex with him.  We simply can't control ourselves.  Our husbands are gone, see....and when the cat's away, the mice will fuck whoever, whenever, wherever.   We can't be trusted with another man when our husband's are gone.

War sucks.  Constant deployments suck.  Being separated for 70% of the year definately sucks.  Having needs and desires that know no difference between war and peace, between separation and togetherness - that kind of sucks too.  But you know what really sucks?  Being labeled a slut simply for being human.

I know what is in my heart.  I know what I will do, and what I won't do.  I know that when I say I need male company I don't mean that I need to get laid.  I'm not looking to 'hook up' with anyone.  I'm not trying to replace my husband.  I just need to hear a man's voice, to feel a male presence and a male perspective.....because those things somehow remind me of how much I love my husband.  They bring home to me how much I cherish my marriage and my relationship with him, how damn lucky I am to have him. 

So go ahead, all you women who have labelled me and my sisters-in-arms 'sluts' or 'whores' or who have cast doubt upon our fidelity.  Go ahead and fabricate things about us when you run out of half truths.  Go ahead and do whatever makes you feel better, whatever it takes to get you through the day, even though you condemn us for doing the same.  You can say what you want about us, becuase you don't know what it's like to live our lives.  You haven't walked a mile in our shoes.  

Our shoes are far to big for you.  You couldn't fill them if you tried.

copyright Karen E Frederick, 2005