For those few (and I mean VERY few) of you that actually know me, and are unaware of this fact, and for those of you who only know me through this blog, and have yet to figure this fact out: I am a dumbass.
Yes, yes. I know that to a great many of you, this may a statement of the obvious, but I feel that I may have transended normal dumbass status to a new level of dumbassedness.
Let me regail you with a tale rich in dumbassedness.
My wife's birthday was August 17th. Now this was going to be her 30th birthday (the old fart), so I decided to surprise her. I didn't mention anything to her, but secretly I set my plans into motion. At the time I was working from noon until 6:30 in the evening. I took the day off of work to prepare my plans. This is what I had in mind. A darkened house. Candles all over. I would cook dinner and have it ready for her when she got home. I would bake her a cake. I would have a hot bubble bath ready for her so she could take a soak before dinner and cake. All of this I had planned for her, but did not mention it to her, because I wanted to surprise her. I wanted to take her out someplace special to eat (because my cooking sorta sucks), but that night we had to go to a home owners association meeting because our neighbors are jackasses. So what i did was make reservations to go to this great Italian place the day after her birthday. Two surprises in one right after the other. I'm brillian!
So the sunday before her birthday we were at HEB (a grocery store for those of you that have never heard of it) and as were walking up and down the isles, she says to me, "you know its my birthday on tuesday. You'd better have something special planned. You better have dinner waiting for me when I get home. You better bake me a cake as well! You should have all the lights out and only have candles lighting the entire house. A bubble bath would be a good idea too!" In the span of 35 seconds she had suggested everything I had planned to do.
Now I know that some of you are thinking, "so what?" The problem is this. If i go through with all my plans, it will look like I only did them because she said so, and it would look like i didnt have a plan to begin with. So I came up with another plan, I would shift everything to wednesday night. That'll catch her off guard! Candles, bath, cake will all be moved one night over and then we'll go out to dinner afterwords! It's brilliant! When she gets home, and she looks all upset because she thinks, I've forgotten, I'll spring my surprise on her and she'll be overjoyed! we'll go to the home owner's assosiation meeting and all will be right in the world!
So tuesday comes around. She comes home from work and guess what? SHE IS PISSED! She doesn't want to listen to my plan. She was ready to blow off the home owners assosiation meeting so we could spend time together and celebrate her birthday. Shes so pissed that when I tell her about the reservations she says she doesnt want to go out on wednesday, thats not her birthday. She doesnt want any of it on wednesday.
Now, I know what everyone is thinking. What a dumbass. Just wait, it gets better.
Well she said she didn't want anything on wednesday, so I cancled the reservation. I didnt bake the cake, I didnt set out the candles, and I didnt run a hot bath. She comes home from work and guess what? SHE IS PISSED!
"I can't believe you did it again! Where are the candles? Where is the cake? What do you mean I said I didn't want them?! You didn't do it?! You gave me NOTHING again?!"
And thus ends another story of Random Acts of Senseless Fuckery. Lesson learned. Never try to surprise you spouse.
