dharmagrl

Join Date 02/2004

Three years

Three years ago today, this happened to me:

*Yeah, I know it's small, but I haven't managed to come up with a good quality enlargement yet. When I do, I'll post it*

I'm lucky to be here. I could have died...I SHOULD have died. According to many physicians and police officers and paramedics, I shouldn't have survived that wreck.

But, I did. There have been days when I wished that I didn't; there were days when the pain was unrelenting and everything in my life seemed dark and gloomy and I wondered just what it would be like to sit in the car with the garage door closed and the engine running...I wondered how long it would take and if it would be painful or not. However, those days have passed.

The inital pain from broken bones has been replaced by nerve pain from a herniated disc that wasn't operated on until almost 2 years after the accident. 'Normal' now is a LOT different that 'normal' was back then, and that's ok. There are days when I wish that I had my old life back until I sit and think about where I was headed in that old life...and then I am glad to have the life that I have now. Yes, I have to work harder at some things, but having to work at them is my way of ensuring that I really want them. I could do without the pain, but I could do without a lot of things. Like cavities. And diarrhea - I think we ALL could do without diarrhea.

I walked around the cemetery close to my home today and thought about how lucky I am to not be in the cold ground with the people named on the markers. I thought about my dad, and how much I miss him. I thought about my work with hospice and how it's given me a focus, a purpose. I thought about my husband and my children and how glad I am to still be here to share each day with them. I thought about my friends and how glad I am to know them and be a part of their lives....and I thanked whatever gods may be for simply being alive.

Whilst I was at the cemetery, I stumbled over a marker that was covered with grass and seemed to be forgotten about. It was for a James Mayberry who was born and died on July 4th, 1930. I looked all over the cemetery but didn't see any markers for other Mayberry's, which made me decide to adopt James' grave and tend to it. I'm going to make him a little floral arrangement to go alongside his marker and make sure it doesn't get overgrown. Why am I doing this for a baby I never knew? Because I can, and because I want to.

Three years ago, I was given a second chance at life. For that, I am grateful.

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I looked all over the cemetery but didn't see any markers for other Mayberry's, which made me decide to adopt James' grave and tend to it. I'm going to make him a little floral arrangement to go alongside his marker and make sure it doesn't get overgrown. Why am I doing this for a baby I never knew? Because I can, and because I want to.

That is a nice thing to do.

Your post is one of reflection and ending that reflection with an act of giving is very fitting.

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1930 was the great depression. I wonder if his parents were just passing through on their way to a job or such. It is a shame it was neglected, but you are doing a wonderful thing in making sure he is not forgotten.

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Your post is one of reflection and ending that reflection with an act of giving is very fitting

Thank you.

1930 was the great depression. I wonder if his parents were just passing through on their way to a job or such

I had wondered the same thing. I remember reading The Grapes Of Wrath and wanting to go find out more about what went on....and I also remember being just heartbroken over the way those sharecroppers were treated by both the banks who sold the land out from under them AND the companies who exploited them in California (the promised land).

Walking through that cemetery it was easy to see the advent of antibiotics and vaccinations...about 1940ish the graves of children aged 13 and under suddenly became much less. In the late 1800's and the 1900's, 10's, 20's and 30's there were a LOT of kids that died from diseases that are unheard of in America today - diptheria, smallpox, measles, scarlet fever...even something as simple as a UTI could kill back then. It's amazing that anyone managed to make it to adulthood!

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There's a huge ranch close by that is very old -dates back to when it was stolen from the Wanderers band of Comanches. There's lots and lots of grave on it, on in particular that is just a chunk of sandstone with the words MY POP deeply etched into it crudely and childlike.
Sad. a child burying his pop all by his lonesome way out there.

There was a man took it on himself to build fences around those old forgotten graves. i think he's a good man for doing so.
And i think you're good for taking on little James Mayberry, too.

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You're a gentle lady. Gramma didn't have the money to buy one for my grandfather or their infant son when they died back in the 20's. In the late 60's when gramma died we pooled our money to buy them. All those years - we didn't know where the baby David was buried. He was in the childrens section. There are hundreds of graves - all children - from the flu epidemic of the 1920's. Most were marked with a simple ground level cross and no name. It's one of the saddest places I've ever seen.
Bless you for all your kindness.

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Hey Karen, apparently we both had more to get done in this life, so death spat us back out! Apparently we needed to meet sometime in this life, and not sometime in the next. ;~D

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Karen, I understand how you feel. I feel exactly the same. I should have died in that wreck but for whatever reason I'm still here to annoy people. Glad ya pulled through.

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It is good to hear that you don't want to die anymore. I have to admit that it sometimes seems like the best option for me, although I would like to get back to the way I used to be. I was a good person at one point in time, and I would like to be that way again. I am glad to hear that you have found happiness in your life, even if it only came after a loss made you realize the important things in your life. I apologize for that loss, but I am happy that it made you a better and happier person.

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There's lots and lots of grave on it, on in particular that is just a chunk of sandstone with the words MY POP deeply etched into it crudely and childlike.
Sad. a child burying his pop all by his lonesome way out there

Christ-on-a-cracker, Joe. That's the saddest thing I've heard of in ages. Some poor kid, prolly about the same age as my eldest boy, burying his pop out there. That's brought a tear to my eye.

There was a man took it on himself to build fences around those old forgotten graves. i think he's a good man for doing so.
And i think you're good for taking on little James Mayberry, too

Thank you, but I'm just me. I just can't stand to see graves forgotten, especially one that's for a kid who doesn't have any folks nearby. I have the means to take care of him, so the way I see it I'm obligated to do it. Besides, maybe one day someone will do the same for one of my kin.

Gramma didn't have the money to buy one for my grandfather or their infant son when they died back in the 20's. In the late 60's when gramma died we pooled our money to buy them. All those years - we didn't know where the baby David was buried. He was in the childrens section. There are hundreds of graves - all children - from the flu epidemic of the 1920's.

I cannot imagine the overwhelming sadness that must hang over a place like that. All those kids....kids whose folks didn't have the means to provide for them in death. It's tragic.

Bless you for taking care of your relatives like that, though. What a wonderful thing to do.

apparently we both had more to get done in this life, so death spat us back out!

Yeah, I get that I'm supposed to do something else. I know that it has something to do with hospice, but I'm not sure what...

Karen, I understand how you feel. I feel exactly the same. I should have died in that wreck but for whatever reason I'm still here to annoy people. Glad ya pulled through.

Yeah, Mason, you DO know how it feels! We've both been through some life-altering events, huh? You with your hip and me with my back....and yes, I'm glad that you pulled through too.

Ditto!

I'll second that!

I have to admit that it sometimes seems like the best option for me, although I would like to get back to the way I used to be. I was a good person at one point in time, and I would like to be that way again.

Marty, you ARE a good person NOW. There's no 'being that way again', you ARE already. I wish that I could make you see that.

Unless you have a terminal and debilitating illness, death is never an option. EVER. I see people almost everyday who deal with more pain that I could ever dream of fighting to stay alive, yet here you are - a healthy, attractive, smart young man- saying that you sometimes think it's the best option for you. You should come visit my patients with me sometime, Marty. It'd give you a hell of a reality check.

It gave me one.

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I don't think that would give me a reality check. I am sure that something will, but seeing others fight for life isn't it. I have been around that fight for a long time, and those people have something to fight for. I need to find that something to fight for. Something that I can get behind fully. It just has gotten to the point where all of my options in life aren't very good. I took a wrong turn a little while ago, and now I am stuck in a lull for the rest of my life regardless of the decisions I make from here on. I do hope to find something that will excite me or make me happy to go after. Even if I get back together with Melisa, unless she changes I will still be miserable. She has been completely unwilling to change in the past, and she is even less willing to talk about it now that we are apart. I want to be a part of my Daughters life, and I can't give up on that. I still love Melisa as well, and even the thought of being with someone else is somewhat sickening to me. It seems like a no-win situation, and that is the problem. My life long goal has always been to be happy, and I have always strived to meet that goal, but I had a plan or at least an idea as to how to be happy, and I no longer have a clue on how to do it. Without even hope of being happy, I don't see a good reason to live other than to make sure that my children are happy, and Missy has been taking that hope away from me too.

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