So I wanted to just say fuck it, throw in the towel, and act like I didn't care if our friendship came to an end. I am a bitch and I will definetly openly admit that. I wanted to do it because it seemed like the easy way out because everyone is pissed off, and I just want to give up. Its been weighing on me for weeks now. I don't want to appologize because that isn't who I am, and I can't or won't say that you were right and give up on myself. That would not make anything better. Everything just seems to get worse with time.
I just hear more and get more pissed off and then i feel like I have to do something about it. But its killing me inside. It hurts so bad that I can hardly live with myself. I don't admit to these kind of feelings often, and know that I am very sincere in saying so. I don't want to loose any friends over petty indifferences. I lost one and it was really hard, and I don't want to lose another. I know I should have stopped and thought before I said the things I did, but I can't take that back now and I wouldnt because that is how I felt at that time.
So what do you do when there is nothing you can do to make things right? I hate when you get to the point in a frienship and something happens and you can't fix it. All of a sudden you try to make things right, and things just get awkward. I hate fighting with people and I hate conflicts. It should have never came to all of this.
I guess I wrote all this because I realized that I am not a heartless person. I can't act like I don't care when I do. I dont want you to think that I hate you. Despite everything I have said.. I would always be there if you needed support. Sometimes I just have to vent and I hate to say that you caught me at a bad time, but you did.
I think we both realized that we care so much about other people that we subject ourselves to harm to help them. I just hope one day I can tell my daughter a story about how I had such close girl friends and the only time we fought is when we were trying to help each other.
My friends are the best people in the world. They are a special kind of people. They stick up for you when you aren't there, and they will be the first to tell you if something doesn't look right in the dressing room. They have the best shoulders to cry on, and they contribute to your life.
Life is hard but my friends make it easier. A good friend gave me great advice today he said, "In life you only get one chance to make things right," and he is right. Sometimes you have to let things out and try to help instead of hurt the situation. I wrote this here because I knew you would read it, and I needed to vent. I needed to say everything on my mind without interruptions.
