Ted: You get it. You understand how, when I leave a vigilance session after my patient has died, I need to cry. I need to cry, and I need to tell someone how it was. Once I've done that, I'm.....I'm.....not better, but somehow able to move on. I think that you'll understand what I'm trying to say. I wish Dave was. The first time I came home crying, he got upset and said that if this is how I was going to react then perhaps I shouldn't do it again - bless his little heart, he thought that I couldn't handle it.
He was wrong. I can handle it. And because I can handle it, I feel like I have an obligation to do what I do. I mean, what kind of a person would I be if I saw a need, knew that I had the ability to fill that need, but sat on my arse and didn't do it? I wouldn't be me if I did that. And when I say obligation I don't mean it in a burdensome kind of way, I mean it in the same way Christ did when he said 'come to me, you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.' I'm not saying that I'm Christlike, I'm just saying that my obligation is a welcome one.
And yes, the hospice expereince has changed the way I look at a lot of things, but it's changed the way I look at death, particularly needless and pointless death. That's why I can't watch the news about the war without wanting to cry over the waste of precious human life.
DG: You're right, there aren't many people that can do what I do. That's why I do it. Because I can.
